And that's the exact response Kurt had prepared himself for. Blaine had never been the type to bail on someone who needed his help, even when they technically didn't need it Blaine still offered. A trait Kurt had always admired, Blaine's kindness and willingness. ]
Seen that coming.
[He knew Blaine well enough to know that the younger boy was stubborn and he wasn't going anywhere until this mess was cleaned and disposed of. Kurt was just going to have to accept his fate and push through the remainder of this torture. It's a challenge to not sneak secret glances at his ex or breath in that musk like scent, Blaine had changed his cologne. Something so common but yet so noticeable to Kurt.
He would rather do this in silence, conversations could turn painful and left opportunities for wounds that should be healed the possibility of being ripped back open. They haven't spoken to each other in what felt like a decade, who was to say they even could any more? And still Kurt gives a small shrug of his shoulders at the question.]
Both are fine. [That has literally been the only good news Kurt had received during his time back. ]Dad is freaking out that I'm alone in the city now but I keep assuring him that I'm fine. Literally for a month he made me do video calls of locking up the loft every night. [He can't help but smile a little at the old memory of how his father had been so worried and concerned for not only Kurt's safety but his well being as a whole.
Burt knew all to well that Kurt dealt with break-ups with Blaine pretty severely and feared his son could spiral into a deep depression while on his own.]
I'm finally down to only needing to call him twice a day to check in.
[Blaine can't help but roll his eyes a little. Fine this, fine that. So descriptive, Kurt!
Still, it was more than he'd been given in quite some time. And considering how badly this seemed to be going, there could be a high possibility this was the last time the two of them were ever alone like this together. Maybe after the semester they'd never even see each other again. So Blaine will begrudgingly take fine, even if the thought of the pair of them being stuck on fake pleasantries stings. From the very first moment they met, they've never had any trouble speaking to each other, it was always the most instant of connections.
Maybe he should just be grateful they're even speaking.
The mention of Burt mothering his son is adorable and familiar as anything, bringing Blaine's own slight smile quirking at the corner of his lips.]
Sounds like progress then.
[Between each sentence is the tear and crumple of paper, trying to go fast, to not give himself the chance to read every old text message back.]
I remember my first few months in New York he was always checking in with me. Just to see how I was managing. It was... [His gaze skims over a printed promise of forever, breath hitching.] I didn't expect it. Your dad's great - not that you need me to tell you that - I just appreciate how kind he was to me. He always made me feel welcome. Like, I was a part of the family, not just some guy his son was dating.
[It would have been so easy to just see Blaine as an extension of Kurt, but Burt's never been like that. He did the same for Rachel with Finn, anyone close to his kids were like family.]
[Don't make him give you one of those famous, sassy Kurt Hummel looks. You're sure to be familiar with those, Blaine.
The thought of never seeing Blaine again has crossed Kurt's mind one too many times. These days he tires his best not focus on that possibility, that Blaine had planted his roots right back where he started and Kurt had made it very clear that he didn't belong in their home town anymore, he never had. But he was here now, he had taken the chance of trying to win Blaine back and failed. The greatest failure he would now have to both accept and live with, just like he would have to accept the other possible chances of running into Blaine again. Hopefully it wouldn't be under these kind of circumstancs, there was also the chance of avoiding the younger boy all together.
But for now the broken bond between them was delicately tugging them closer to each other. At least they were speaking regardless if it would continue.]
It was a little embarrassing but I looked at it from his perspective. We lost Finn, I had already been assaulted once.
[His fingers move along with each word, flicking across paper and giving it a firm yank as he goes. It makes it easier not to catch sight of any words that have the potential of digging up old memories and picking at fresh scars.
The tiny smile upon Kurt's lips becomes just a tad bigger at the kind exchange between his father and his ex. At first it had been a little difficult for Burt to accept that Kurt had stumbled upon the age of being seriously interested in boys, not just sexually. It didn't take Blaine long to grow on him, it was the first time he had seen Kurt happy in a very long time. He had always been supportive to both boys during their relationship, through the good and worst times.]
He won't to make sure you were settling in alright. He knew how busy your own parents usually were. He wanted you to know that you had him if you needed anything. [The soft smile fades from his lips the very second he hears the crack within Blaine's voice. That can only mean one thing, he's stumbled upon an old message that cut a little too deep. ]
Because you weren't just some guy I was dating. [You were supposed to be soulmates but that isn't going accordingly. He reaches over, very carefully pulls the paper from Blaine's hands before he crumbles it up in his own. ]
He has, hasn't he? [Burt has been nothing less and he's proven never to be. ] I hope you know he almost grounded me for a month that night I brought you back to my place after you got drunk at Rachel's.
[Kurt may have wanted silence, but it's slowly getting better, isn't it? Every other word a little less awkward and stilted.]
Yeah, that's true. He just loves you. We can't fault him for being a little over-protective, even if it's from five hundred miles away.
[Blaine would love to have the same attention from his own family, but that just isn't how the Andersons have ever worked. His mom can be a little clingy when she remembers he exists, like now, but generally Blaine can't hold down their attention too long. It's played enough of a negative role in his life already - the desperate need to be seen, to be acknowledged, never quite feeling like he's enough - so maybe it's better to just focus on the positive of having Burt Hummel in his life for a few wonderful years.
- Losing Kurt was going to be the worst heartbreak of his life, but knowing he was losing the other boy's family too was a hit Blaine didn't exactly handle too well.
It's such a small thing, Kurt reaching over to gently tug the paper from his hand and crumple it up himself, but there's no hiding the way Blaine's breath huffs out in silent relief. His face is always so expressive, he's never been good at hiding any of his emotions, so Kurt wouldn't be able to miss the way his eyes go big and warm in thanks.]
What, you think I didn't already know? Your dad already told me. Jokingly... Kinda. [Maybe there was a slight fatherly protective threat in there, but Burt had jokingly hit Blaine in the arm, so the boy always assumed it was a goof.] He said we were lucky we could even go to prom together after that.
[A little, yes. Their words aren't as tight or seemed forced in order to please the other. Casual conversation still doesn't ease the pain in Kurt's heart. That was going to take a good bit of time.]
I don't, he has every right to be. He didn't want me to leave but he encouraged me anyway.
[It had always bothered Kurt that Blaine's family was hardly ever present in his life that alone supportive. On many occassions Burt had wanted to intrude but it wasn't his place, so instead both he and Carole made it a point to praise and support Blaine with his own talents and dreams. Burt couldn't stand the thought of Blaine's family missing out on the best years of their son's life, not even being aware of how gifted and amazing Blaine was. He was often invited over for family dinners because both adults didn't agree with the fact that he always seemed to be left alone at his home.
Blaine of all people should never experience the feeling of being unwanted, especially by his family.
Kurt knows all about wearing his feelings, his own face never failed to express what he was feeling and thinking. It made it easier to read Blaine's own, they really had learned so much about each other over their time together. Kurt doesn't say anything of it, this wasn't an easy task to face for either one of them. Not when what used to be was posted all around them, taunting them. ]
No he did not. [Kurt groans, eyes bright and colored with shock. He follows up with a slight shake of his head and a roll of his eyes.] I'm surprised he did to.
[There is another moment or two of silence, Kurt has caught another glance at bold letters flashing something about forever and always. He's finally able to glance away, giving a soft clear of his throat. ]
You know if you ever need my dad or Carole for something they will be there for you, right? I would never ask them to take that away from you.
Of course he didn't want you to leave. [Blaine hadn't either, but Kurt was always meant for more than Lima, Ohio. He didn't deserve to sit around and wait for the rest of the world to be ready.] But watching the way he supported you meant so much to me. I tried to be your number one biggest fan, but that place was always meant for Burt. He loves you so much. I'm just glad you both have each other.
[It's a big undertaking, but at least they're making progress. Whatever comes after this will be even harder, whether that's pushing it out of their brains and moving on or actually looking to take action, but they can figure that out in the coming days. Right now, it's just a mess of memories to tear down and burn.]
O-oh. [That offer is entirely unexpected. And it shows on Blaine's face, the way his bushy brows shoot up, in the way his words momentarily fail him.] That's, um, that's really sweet of you to say, Kurt, but you don't - I mean, that's too awkward right now, don't you think? That feels unfair to you. I wouldn't want to step over any lines, you know?
[Being in town means that of course he sees Carole and Burt around town, but a careful conversation here and there isn't the same thing as the relationship they'd been built over the last few years. They'd been so close to being his in-laws, exactly the type of parental figures he'd always wanted to have. It's sweet of Kurt to say so, but it just doesn't feel right. Not in the wake of their broken engagement. The ties are just too close to Kurt and that's exactly who Blaine's been trying to distance himself from.]
Thanks though. I have my mom and Cooper - [Always accompanied with a roll of his eyes.] And Sam and the Warblers. [and maybe it takes him too long to quickly add on,] And Dave, of course. This isn't exactly where I planned on being, but I'm trying to make it work.
[Kurt could remember how terrified he had been deciding to come forward with his sexuality, he feared that his father would disown him and would suddenly stop loving him because Kurt was gay. Burt had been understanding and made it known that he woulf never for any reason stop loving his son. He stood by Kurt and his dreams, encouraged him to chase them without questions or hesitation. Now he was trying his best to put Kurt back together, mend broken pieces. He had even asked Kurt to move back home for awhile, Kurt made it clear that Lima, Ohio had nothing to offer him anymore.]
Thanks.
[They are making progress aren't they? It took them a little bit to get to the starting point but they were gradually having a normal conversation that didn't involve shouting and tears. Funny how you can take a few steps forward and in a matter of seconds you stumble back even more. That's exactly what's about to happen when Blaine becomes uncomfortable. Maybe that had been a little too forward for Kurt to suggest but in the moment he didn't want Blaine to feel as though he had to distance himself from either his dad or Carole.
The dismissal or awkwardness isn't what causes Kurt to flinch, its the mention of his name that leaves his stomach in knots. He stands locked in place, his body to paralyzed to make any sudden movements as eyes stare back at Blaine with not only the bits of hurt but betrayal. This all still feels like he's taken crazy pills and this is some twisted, cruel dream.
Only it isn't. ]
Right, Forget I said anything. [Remember falling back in progress, Blaine? Well here you are once again and Kurt is back on the move. Only this round he heads towards the overflowing trash bags.]
It feels at least a little okay, better than it's been in months for the two of them, but just like that, Kurt shoots his ex one of those Infamous Kurt Hummel glares and the brief peace between them is immediately shattered.
For a second, Blaine looks paralyzed on the spot, taken back by what he believes is a completely unwarranted reaction, how Kurt glares and stamps around like he's been so terribly wronged. The younger boy can't possibly understand the reason why, though even with that knowledge he'd be put off by that cold shoulder.
It takes him a few seconds to find his tongue again, to push down the swell of hurt around his heart, to keep his voice level and firm, without any of the shakiness he currently feels.]
What's your problem, Kurt? [Considering the circumstances of their break up, Blaine feels like he's been overly kind to Kurt, certainly none of the viciousness they'd seen whenever their other friends have broken up with each other. But here Kurt is, acting like Blaine's presence is such a total bother to him, like he can't stand being in the same room with him.
Does he want Blaine back or doesn't he? It feels like every few minutes he's changing his mind.]
I'm just trying to help and you're - Look, I didn't want to leave this all on you to take care of, because none of this - [His hand gestures around to the choir room's messy walls] -is your fault, but if you want me to leave, just say it.
Does Kurt really have to explain himself, has it not been clearly odvious as to why he's been so upset? Yes it was he who broke off their engagement, it was he who placed both of them in a long run of pain and he'll gladly admit that he ruined everything between them. Blaine had the right to date again, he could date anyone he wished because he wasn't Kurt's anymore but to date David? DAVID! That's basically the equivalent of him dating Sebastian or even better, Elliott.
Blaine would been feeling the exact same way if not worse. He can't deny that and Kurt would call him out if he even tried.
Then again Kurt deserves all of this, right? He was the one who placed himself in this situation after all. He just needs to accept the fact that Blaine has odviously moved on and he can't keep holding onto something that was no longer there.
This was such a mistake. Dropping everything back in New York so that he could come running right back to Lima, Ohio. He was insane, this was all insane and absurd. And for what ? So that he can go back to New York miserable while Blaine pretends he's actually happy with David?
Alright.
And Blaine wants to know what his problem is? Shots. Fired. Blaine. Anderson. ]
And I'm what? [That tone in Blaine's voice and the way he pushes past the word has Kurt spinning around on his heels. Are they seriously going to fall right back into all the bickering and tearing at each other? Is this what the two have become towards each other?]
And I'm what? [He repeats the question carefully but doesn't coat the tightness.]
[Maybe that's just another difference between them. Even if Blaine was hurt by the choice of Kurt's next boyfriend, though Elliott wouldn't at all invoke that kind of feeling since getting to know him, he wouldn't let it be such a dividing point between the two of them. If he was genuine about wanting to be in Kurt's life again, if he'd made the mistake and was working to fix what he'd broken, he wouldn't weaponize his hurt against Kurt like this.
And to be honest, Sebastian had been the line for Blaine. He wouldn't date the other Warbler, even if they've been able to reconcile their friendship since senior year. He felt that had been too close to hurting his ex. Maybe someone completely unrelated to either of them would be better, but sadly, it's still Lima, Ohio. There are very few out gay men around here as it is, even fewer his own age. And David and Kurt certainly have their history, but they'd resolved their issues. Maybe not come out as friends, but they'd certainly closed the chapter together and moved on from the horror of high school.
Or so Blaine thought. Maybe they weren't as okay as it had seemed, even if David only ever has the nicest things to say about Kurt. It's a messy situation, sure, but it's fair to say that Blaine hadn't exactly been thinking about Kurt's approval when he's been drowning in Scandal's the night he and David reconnected.
Maybe Kurt's right. Everything's just one big mistake.
In any other situation, Kurt may be relieved to see how Blaine doesn't crumble or cry in response. Therapy these last few months has done him well, helped him to better navigate some of his own emotional responses and how poorly his self-worth had fallen. He's still recovering, medicated and learning more about himself, but the fact he can face Kurt like this and not resort to immediate tears and pleading feels like a small victory.
Kurt's tone goes tight and Blaine knows they've fallen back a hundred steps from five minutes ago.]
You're acting like me being here is a problem. I just don't know what you want, Kurt.
[The walls are forgotten, Blaine turning to the other man, voice firm, but not unkind, though there's a certain level of frustration building there. There are moments it feels like Kurt wants to rekindle their friendship and go on from there, but then there are moments like this, where it feels like his ex is just as furious and defensive as he was back in New York. Blaine doesn't know where he stands with him.]
I'm not trying to hurt you or make things weirder than they already are for us. I was just trying to help. But if you want me out of your life, you can just tell me. I don't want to make things worse, but I'm - God, I'm feeling really lost on what to do.
[Perhaps Kurt is making to big of a deal out of all of this? In the end David had shown that he was willing to make a change but it took torture from his fellow classmates to push him into that direction. The boy had tried to take his own life well after threatening Kurt's own. Many would smirk and call that karma, Kurt had never been that cruel. He knew what it was like to live each day hating yourself because others viewed you as different. There comes a point in time the pain just becomes so unbearable and you just want to end it.
David got lucky.
And now he had Blaine. Someone who could bathe him in support and affection, accept him for who he was. Kurt had tried to tell himself that it was something David needed to make the ache ease a little less. He and Blaine could heal each other, gross.
Kurt's own therapist had informed him that there wasn't anything wrong with him and that high school relationships are typically doomed once both step into the real world. Kurt had always been well aware of that fact but he had truly thought he was different. He was strong on his own, he always had been but the absence of Blaine felt like a missing part of himself. Even the medication couldn't numb that feeling.
His therapist had given him a few excersise to help cope with all his built up stress. It was mostly to help with the small bursts of anger or overpowering anxiety that had settled in during his time in New York. Very much like the younger boy, Kurt isn't allowing himself to shatter so easily either. Instead his face is near expressionless at the sound of Blaine's voice, that was something he was still trying to work on during his therapy sessions.
Blaine isn't falling apart and Kurt isn't becoming unhindged. This is good right? Still to early to tell.
Maybe they can't repair their broken relationship? It's becoming pretty apparent that they aren't going to be able to remain friends either. Has the finale chapter finally closed between them now? Might need to be a conversation to discuss and move forward. Blaine's comment has left Kurt stiff and for a moment he's a bit lost himself. ]
Do you ever wonder what in the hell made us like this? [The question comes tumbling out of Kurt's mouth before he can stop himself. If you're this far in already, Kurt you might as well continue forward.] Why we suddenly couldn't go a day without screaming at each other? [The genuine curiosity can't go unnoticed wrapped soft within his voice.]
I've had this conversation with myself over a million times. I've asked my dad, my therapist and even Elliott, I still can't find the right answer. [He gives another small shrug of his shoulders, arms moving to wrap tightly around himself. ] It would keep my up at night, haunt me during my classes and at one point it drove me so crazy I actually stopped singing.
[Someone in Kurt's life needs to drag him immediately to a new therapist. Whoever he's been going to is absolutely doing the boy a disservice.
Maybe it's a little aggressive and honest in the face of the awkward politeness they've been dancing around, but seeing this from Kurt helps so much more than the static, safe replies they've been wrapped up in. This is real, full of pain so big it's practically tangible between the two of them, but it's real and it isn't pushing Blaine away and that makes all of the difference.]
Do you really think I wouldn't? You were my whole world, Kurt. Of course I agonized over all of that nastiness between us, before and after we broke up. I couldn't understand it then, and then afterwords I just stopped existing. I was so furious with you, so betrayed you wouldn't keep trying for us, that I wasn't worth fighting for...
[Of course Kurt knows some of it. Blaine drowning in undiagnosed depression, losing his fiancé, his home, getting cut from NYADA, shamefully returning to Ohio - it had taken months to finally get to the point where he could tread water again. Without even music for an outlet, he'd just barely been living, holed up in his childhood home alone all over again, struggling to breathe. But then there was therapy and medication and reconnecting with old friends and finding a new drive at Dalton.
Blaine doesn't blame his ex for any of it. Kurt broke their engagement, sure, but Blaine's the only one to blame for how far he fell after.]
- But I understand more of it now than I did. I knew I was struggling, but I didn't realize how badly until after. I was terrified of losing you, of you getting tired of how needy I was. I know I was frustrating you all of the time, but I couldn't fix the way I felt, I couldn't make myself unbroken. Somedays it felt like us fighting was the only connection we had left.
[For how big their blows up could be, it really boiled down quite simply, didn't it?]
Rachel had gone incognito and I never felt like I was anything but another guest in the loft. And there was school and your work at the diner and everyone else moved away and the wedding - I guess it was just the perfect storm of things. It was just hard to see when we were inside of it.
[Blaine ends up leaning against one of the walls while he speaks, just enough of a distance between them for him to focus on his breathing, arms crossing over his middle.
Kurt's last sentence doesn't make sense to Blaine, but he presses his mouth together tight and holds back some of the emotion starting to tighten in his throat. He's made it this far without crying, but therapy or not, Blaine's always been an overly sensitive boy.]
[Kurt hasn't really been much on attending the therapy sessions but he felt like it was the mature thing to do. After all he did need someone to talk too, guidance to help deal with all pain he felt.
For months the anger between the two just kept escalating and finally it had been Kurt who snapped first. They can't keep dancing around each other like this, faking that they agony between them both has healed and that they can at least build a friendship bond with each other. It wasn't that simple, not when they both still had so much they needed to say and resolve. The finale break-up had happened so unexpectedly, Kurt hadn't actually planned for it but it unfolded regardless. The end had been building up for awhile, it was just a matter of time. ]
And you had every right to be. [He takes in a deep breath, eyes closing while he tries to find the best way to place what he needs to say in words without becoming horribly emotional. All this self-control and he still can't hold back the light waver within his voice.] You were always worth fighting for. [A truth he would never lie or deny.] But one of us had to let go before we totally destroyed each other. I know you didn't want to feel it, I didn't either but it was only a matter of time. I would have never forgiven myself if I did that to you of all people. I didn't want to start hating you and I didn't want you to start hating me.
[Of course Kurt knew, he spent months blaming himself for the unfortant events that piled up on Blaine rapidly. His ex being cut from NYADA and forced back home was what Kurt struggled with the most. Not only had he shattered the younger boy's heart but he helped crush Blaine's dreams. His ex might not fault him but Kurt still clings to that guilt like a broken life line, that one was going to take a good amount of time to come at peace with.
But Blaine had gotten back on his feet. Kurt could find some much needed comfort in that. ]
Me too. And you weren't frustrating me all the time. I was just becoming so overwhelmed with everything I lost my balance. There was so much fighting, not just with us but with literally everyone. It got to the point where I just couldn't breathe.
Kurt does the opposite, deciding to slowly slide down the wall and pull his knees to his chest. Why had their dreams seemed so much happier in high school and where did they take a wrong turn that led them to breaking up not once but now twice? Maybe this whole "soulmate" thing was a huge hoax and both boys had been fooling themselves.]
I'm sorry. [It's such a faint, broken whisper. One that leaves his voice sounding like heartache. He's apologized before but Kurt genually feels he can't say it enough.]
This is better for us. [The words sound so foreign to his ears and a wave of nausea settles within the pit of his stomach as he comes to terms with the ending of their story.]
I don't agree. [Always so polite, even during a topic this heartbreaking.] B-but I'm not trying to argue with you over everything wrong we've done in the past. And I understand we have different feelings about it. I know that, Kurt. I promise I'm not trying to be condensing or spiteful.
[If their relationship was worth fighting for, then it should have always been worth fighting for. And breaking their engagement had been one thing, but the way it had been broken just - it just made this mess between them a hundred times worse.]
I see it more clearly now. Some of our fights were just the two of us lashing out at the only person available. We didn't know how to deal with the changes going on in our lives, didn't have proper outlets or other people to talk to. We were stressed and scared and struggling, and that just made it all ten times worse. And I know I pushed about the wedding. Over and over. I saw you weren't ready for it and I just kept pushing, because I was terrified of you leaving and I kept pushing until you did just that. I know that now.
[If only he'd been able to rein it in then.
Blaine tips his head back until it hits the wall, a long sigh pushing from his lungs. He's quiet for a moment, thoughtful and considerate, purposely being careful with his words.]
I forgive you. I know what I said back then, but it wasn't true. Even after everything, I couldn't hold onto that feeling forever. I just needed you to know.
[If this ends up being their last conversation, Kurt deserves to hear it.]
Is that really how you feel?
[Did Kurt already change his mind? Is Blaine only worth fighting for if the younger boy goes with him immediately after? Back after their first break up, Blaine spent nearly the whole school year patiently waiting for Kurt, trusting they'd come back together when Kurt was ready, watching the other boy date around and live his life while Blaine just held his breath and dove head first into being his friend instead of his boyfriend.
Is Kurt really so defeated already? That doesn't feel like him at all.]
[Kurt had not expected him too. It took Kurt awhile to realize that both boys were viewing their engagement very differently. Kurt had noticed the beginning stages of a relationship doomed to fail, some days it became so difficult to ignore and that had terrified him. He didn't give up on fighting for what they had, it just felt like he was failing Blaine when the younger boy was so determined to ignore the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Kurt had tried too. ] I know.
[Kurt would agree that he went about breaking off their engagement in the worst possible way, he had been so annoyed and bothered by their months of arguing, everything came spewing out. He really had thought he done the mature thing by walking away. That had also been a huge mistake but it seemed like the responsible form of action at the time.]
I wasn't ready. [He agrees without regret. There was no reason to lie about it or try to deny his concerns, marriage was a huge responsibility. So many couples failed to understand just how big and within a year they were headed towards a nasty divorce.] I was afraid. Marriage is a huge step to take within any relationship and after months of us doing nothing but arguing, I feared that was what we were always going to do. [Of course that was something they could still struggle to mend.] All I was doing was hurting you, I didn't want to continue that either.
[He lets his own head rest back against the wall, several thoughts swirled within his mind while he kept his own words in check. Odviously they were having a bit of difficulty with communication. ]
I would understand if you didn't. [Forgiveness took a great deal of bravery, so many people preferred to cling to the lasting pain and anger. It was unfortant how common it was between exs. ]
No, I'm just still trying to convience myself that I do. [Blaine was always going to be worth fighting for but eventually Kurt knew that there would come a point not to. If Blaine had truly found happiness with someone else, rather it be with David or someone else, Kurt wasn't going to ruin that. Blaine deserved to have a healthy, blooming relationship.
After a moment he slowly pushes himself back to his feet, tired eyes taking in another glance of the decorated room. ]
You can go. I think I can handle the rest of this mess from here.
[It's better, for the two of them to be speaking like this, even if it's more hurtful than just ignoring each other completely. It's the conversation that should have happened months ago, before their break up, or when they first met up at Scandals after all of this time. But now is better than never. If they end up parting ways, at least they'll be able to find some kind of closure.
- Though the idea of never speaking to Kurt again leaves Blaine breathless with heartache. He hits him hard how much he doesn't want that.]
I know you weren't ready. And I'm sorry for pushing it like I did. I'm sorry for everything that happened, you deserved better from me.
[Blaine falls into a soft, tense silence at that admission. He's still having difficulty parsing Kurt's intention, when he really wants out of their reunion, out of him coming back to Ohio. It's strange coming from Blaine, the boy who has always believed the best in everyone around him, who even trusted that Sebastian's intentions were good until proven otherwise, but he needs the time to rebuild some of the broken trust between them. It's easy enough for Kurt to say he wants to get back together, but it's so much more for him to show Blaine with his actions.
That they've grown individually from their break up, that they can actually make it work this time instead of watching their relationship burst into flames for a third time.]
But I do. I forgive you. I hope you believe me when I say that.
[It doesn't matter how badly they hurt each other, Blaine will always forgive Kurt with time.]
Is that what you want? Do you want me to go, Kurt?
[It's a meaningful, deep conversation that probably should have taken place the very first time they had broken up. They had both held back a lot of truth for the sake of the other when they both should have been fully honest with each other. Perhaps their struggling would have eased and they would still be together. At least the conversation was finally being discussed without hesitation or strings attached.
He doesn't want the two of them stop stop speaking either, during their first breakup the silence Kurt had placed between them was unbearable, just like these past months. It ached Kurt to his very core and left a huge hole within his heart. ]
And you me.
[Kurt isn't going to push or demand, it's Blaine's choice to make, not his. It's not his place to question Blaine's happiness or who he chooses to be in a relationship with, that is not only unfair but selfish. They both have a lot of mending to do between each other, trust needs to be gradually rebuilt just as much as patience. They both have to be willing to give and take equally, they can't keep rushing back into each other's arms if all they were going to do was pull each other down in misery.
They aren't weak people, they have both proven that a damn good number of times. They can also be independent and thrive without the other. As much as it felt like he were dying, Kurt knew how to live without Blaine by his side.]
Of course I do. [Blaine wouldn't lie about something so serious and personal. ]
No.[ His answer comes with pure honesty.] But I don't want you to feel like you need too.
[Okay, so maybe it is on brand for Blaine to do things just to be nice or to not cause a confrontation, but every single moment with Kurt has never once fallen under that line. When it comes to Kurt Hummel, Blaine's always felt everything between them with the full of his being, every ounce of love and devotion and hurt and pure bliss. His feelings for Kurt have never once been faked or forced politeness.
Blaine doesn't feel quite like they're at the place where they can touch without it feeling like it's an overstep after this long apart, but he does push off of the wall and cross the room, coming to sit next to the other boy, knees maybe brush just barely as he settles there on the floor.]
I want to be here. I want to help you. I don't just feel obligated like it's my job. I don't want us to be like this, this awkward and stilted and wrong. I never wanted this for us. We've never been like this, not since the day we met. Does it feel like I'm being fake with you about this?
[There relationship had never been built out of forced or fake kindness, love either. His feelings for Blaine had been just as true and genuine, that was what real love was supposed to be, right?
Kurt can feel the sudden tightness grow within his chest as Blaine makes a bold move to come just a little closer, the sudden tension begins to build within his lean body but as Blaine settles gently beside him, Kurt goes breathless. That has never changed, not even now. His eyes go soft with sympathy and it takes every bit of him not to reach out to lace their fingers. It was a habit Kurt had devolved during their relationship when he wanted to offer Blaine some comfort, it always seemed to calm them both. ]
Of course not. [He promises calmly, fingers inching to grasp Blaine's hand to seal his answer.] I just didn't want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable. I wasn't going to be angry with you if you felt it best you needed too. You know that, right? I know this isn't particularly easy for either of us.
[It's hard to fight years of habit, of instinctively leaning into one another, of Blaine dropping a head to Kurt's shoulder, of their fingers lacing together in silent support.
Blaine's hands clasp in his lap, like he's afraid of what they'll do on his own if he just leaves them be, but his body language is otherwise open, turned to face Kurt without any of the walls they've built up between each other. It's nothing like how they used to be, but it's miles ahead of where they were just an hour earlier.]
Thank you. I think I knew that, but I appreciate you saying it too. I appreciate you saying a lot, Kurt. Being able to talk openly is more than I ever hoped for.
[a beat, careful and unsure. Blaine can't help the way his voice lowers, soft, maybe just a touch scared.]
[Kurt finds it helpful to place both his palms along the floor, keeping them in place at his sides. He fears he might reach for Blaine's hand if he doesn't find a way to occupy them. It's always been so easy to do so but now that would be over stepping his bounds. They had reached this small break through, he doesn't want them to stumble backwards because he accidentally gives into something that had always felt so right.
Their hands had always fit so perfectly together, like two pieces of a puzzle.
Still this is progress, small steps forward. ]
I think us actually talking to each other has been well past over do.
[But where do they actually go from here? Do they make the heart breaking choice to walk away from each other for good or do they try to still maintain a friendship? ]
I don't either. [Kurt's own response slips out in a quiet whisper.He wish he could give a proper answer for the sake of them both.]
[Being next to Kurt like this and not touching him feels all sorts of wrong, but it's also just nice to be this close again. How long has it been? It feels like a lifetime ago.]
We are?
[Blaine's expression is all soft and pleading, eyes wet and big and begging. Even if Kurt can't give him a real guidance on what to do next in his life, at this point, Blaine will take anything the other man has to give, even if it's just careful, kind reassurances. Honestly, after the last few weeks, he'll take anything.]
How can you be so sure? How can you know that it's not going to just break apart all over again?
[The lack of physical affection between the two leaves Kurt's heart crumbling, it feels strange not to hold each other close and breath through the pain together. But just being close to his ex, feeling the warmth radiate off Blaine's smaller form is enough.
Within seconds Kurt gives into the need to touch, provide Blaine the comfort and reassurance they both so desperately need. A trembling hand tentatively reaches out for Blaine's own, his own eyes pleading as they begin to mist with hot tears.]
I-I don't. [It isn't the answer he wants to give but it's an honest one.] But I do know we always seem to come back to each other in the end. We're kind of like magnets. It's weird.
[Blaine reaching out for Kurt had been the other boy's lifeline once upon a time, and now Blaine sees it exactly the same. It's more than just a kindness, he hopes, because it feels like a quiet promise between the two of them, the reassurance that Kurt will never let Blaine go forgotten.
But Blaine sees that offered hand and ignores it. Instead, he scoots close enough to drop his head into Kurt's shoulder, closing the distance between them completely.]
I dunno if that's right.
[His voice comes out small there pressed into Kurt's shoulder, but being so close, there's no fear of the other boy missing a single word.]
The first time we broke up, I - I worked really hard for us, Kurt. I mean, we both did - of course we did - but we had to work to get through the hurt and become us again. And we did. I don't think being magnets is enough. We have to put in the effort too. We get to choose to be a part of each other's lives - and that's what we did and that's what made us so special. It maybe would have been easier for us to move on back then, for you to focus on New York and for me to focus on just graduating, b-but we decided what we had was worth it and we made it work.
[Maybe he isn't making enough sense, not really conveying what he means, but Blaine once believed so fiercely in them it's impossible to think he's left all of that behind.]
Maybe we are magnets too, but we can't just rely on fate to keep bringing us together again and again. We have to try too.
[It is more than just an offered kindness, it always has been has it not? Kurt had always had this comforting sort of nature about him, a trait his father said he inherited from his mother and one Kurt offered to those in need, especially if he had helped cause the ache. He's also suffered being a bit touch starved, just a small brush of Blaine's fingers seemed to sooth any issue from Kurt's mind and release built up tension.
And Blaine Anderson would never be forgotten in Kurt's heart, never once had he ever been.
Oh.
Kurt had sucked in a small breath at the dismissal of his extended hand, the sting of yet another rejection burned through his body but his ex pulls himself closer, curls his head along Kurt's broad shoulder. There is no denying the way his heart skips a few beats and his own body submits to the contact, melting gently against Blaine. ]
I didn't say it was.
[It's natural instinct to nuzzle his head against Blaine's own but Kurt holds back from doing so, he doesn't want to come off more forward than he has been previously. ]
I wouldn't say it's always been fate that pulled us back together, we've chosen to come back to each other, Blaine. I was pretty excited to come see Glee club's Grease, I wouldn't allow myself to admit it but I knew the only reason I wanted to go was because of you despite how I kept telling myself I didn't want to see you. I just wanted a glimpse of your face no matter how deeply it hurt. You came with dad to New York so that we could sing our Christmas duet and then there was Mr. Schue's wedding. [He doesn't mention the heated make-out they shared in the back of the car, how they both so willingly fell into bed together that night. If Kurt had not felt comfortable, hadn't wanted it then it would not have happened.]
And I'm here now.
[They really had been through so much together, both good and bad. It was painful to just toss so much history away as if none of it mattered at all. ]
I can't predict what's going to happen to us but whatever does I want you to know that I am never going to forget you, Blaine. You are my very first love and that is never going to change.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And that's the exact response Kurt had prepared himself for. Blaine had never been the type to bail on someone who needed his help, even when they technically didn't need it Blaine still offered. A trait Kurt had always admired, Blaine's kindness and willingness. ]
Seen that coming.
[He knew Blaine well enough to know that the younger boy was stubborn and he wasn't going anywhere until this mess was cleaned and disposed of. Kurt was just going to have to accept his fate and push through the remainder of this torture. It's a challenge to not sneak secret glances at his ex or breath in that musk like scent, Blaine had changed his cologne. Something so common but yet so noticeable to Kurt.
He would rather do this in silence, conversations could turn painful and left opportunities for wounds that should be healed the possibility of being ripped back open. They haven't spoken to each other in what felt like a decade, who was to say they even could any more? And still Kurt gives a small shrug of his shoulders at the question.]
Both are fine. [That has literally been the only good news Kurt had received during his time back. ]Dad is freaking out that I'm alone in the city now but I keep assuring him that I'm fine. Literally for a month he made me do video calls of locking up the loft every night. [He can't help but smile a little at the old memory of how his father had been so worried and concerned for not only Kurt's safety but his well being as a whole.
Burt knew all to well that Kurt dealt with break-ups with Blaine pretty severely and feared his son could spiral into a deep depression while on his own.]
I'm finally down to only needing to call him twice a day to check in.
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Still, it was more than he'd been given in quite some time. And considering how badly this seemed to be going, there could be a high possibility this was the last time the two of them were ever alone like this together. Maybe after the semester they'd never even see each other again. So Blaine will begrudgingly take fine, even if the thought of the pair of them being stuck on fake pleasantries stings. From the very first moment they met, they've never had any trouble speaking to each other, it was always the most instant of connections.
Maybe he should just be grateful they're even speaking.
The mention of Burt mothering his son is adorable and familiar as anything, bringing Blaine's own slight smile quirking at the corner of his lips.]
Sounds like progress then.
[Between each sentence is the tear and crumple of paper, trying to go fast, to not give himself the chance to read every old text message back.]
I remember my first few months in New York he was always checking in with me. Just to see how I was managing. It was... [His gaze skims over a printed promise of forever, breath hitching.] I didn't expect it. Your dad's great - not that you need me to tell you that - I just appreciate how kind he was to me. He always made me feel welcome. Like, I was a part of the family, not just some guy his son was dating.
[It would have been so easy to just see Blaine as an extension of Kurt, but Burt's never been like that. He did the same for Rachel with Finn, anyone close to his kids were like family.]
Your dad's always just been so amazing.
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The thought of never seeing Blaine again has crossed Kurt's mind one too many times. These days he tires his best not focus on that possibility, that Blaine had planted his roots right back where he started and Kurt had made it very clear that he didn't belong in their home town anymore, he never had. But he was here now, he had taken the chance of trying to win Blaine back and failed. The greatest failure he would now have to both accept and live with, just like he would have to accept the other possible chances of running into Blaine again. Hopefully it wouldn't be under these kind of circumstancs, there was also the chance of avoiding the younger boy all together.
But for now the broken bond between them was delicately tugging them closer to each other. At least they were speaking regardless if it would continue.]
It was a little embarrassing but I looked at it from his perspective. We lost Finn, I had already been assaulted once.
[His fingers move along with each word, flicking across paper and giving it a firm yank as he goes. It makes it easier not to catch sight of any words that have the potential of digging up old memories and picking at fresh scars.
The tiny smile upon Kurt's lips becomes just a tad bigger at the kind exchange between his father and his ex. At first it had been a little difficult for Burt to accept that Kurt had stumbled upon the age of being seriously interested in boys, not just sexually. It didn't take Blaine long to grow on him, it was the first time he had seen Kurt happy in a very long time. He had always been supportive to both boys during their relationship, through the good and worst times.]
He won't to make sure you were settling in alright. He knew how busy your own parents usually were. He wanted you to know that you had him if you needed anything. [The soft smile fades from his lips the very second he hears the crack within Blaine's voice. That can only mean one thing, he's stumbled upon an old message that cut a little too deep. ]
Because you weren't just some guy I was dating. [You were supposed to be soulmates but that isn't going accordingly. He reaches over, very carefully pulls the paper from Blaine's hands before he crumbles it up in his own. ]
He has, hasn't he? [Burt has been nothing less and he's proven never to be. ] I hope you know he almost grounded me for a month that night I brought you back to my place after you got drunk at Rachel's.
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Yeah, that's true. He just loves you. We can't fault him for being a little over-protective, even if it's from five hundred miles away.
[Blaine would love to have the same attention from his own family, but that just isn't how the Andersons have ever worked. His mom can be a little clingy when she remembers he exists, like now, but generally Blaine can't hold down their attention too long. It's played enough of a negative role in his life already - the desperate need to be seen, to be acknowledged, never quite feeling like he's enough - so maybe it's better to just focus on the positive of having Burt Hummel in his life for a few wonderful years.
- Losing Kurt was going to be the worst heartbreak of his life, but knowing he was losing the other boy's family too was a hit Blaine didn't exactly handle too well.
It's such a small thing, Kurt reaching over to gently tug the paper from his hand and crumple it up himself, but there's no hiding the way Blaine's breath huffs out in silent relief. His face is always so expressive, he's never been good at hiding any of his emotions, so Kurt wouldn't be able to miss the way his eyes go big and warm in thanks.]
What, you think I didn't already know? Your dad already told me. Jokingly... Kinda. [Maybe there was a slight fatherly protective threat in there, but Burt had jokingly hit Blaine in the arm, so the boy always assumed it was a goof.] He said we were lucky we could even go to prom together after that.
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I don't, he has every right to be. He didn't want me to leave but he encouraged me anyway.
[It had always bothered Kurt that Blaine's family was hardly ever present in his life that alone supportive. On many occassions Burt had wanted to intrude but it wasn't his place, so instead both he and Carole made it a point to praise and support Blaine with his own talents and dreams. Burt couldn't stand the thought of Blaine's family missing out on the best years of their son's life, not even being aware of how gifted and amazing Blaine was. He was often invited over for family dinners because both adults didn't agree with the fact that he always seemed to be left alone at his home.
Blaine of all people should never experience the feeling of being unwanted, especially by his family.
Kurt knows all about wearing his feelings, his own face never failed to express what he was feeling and thinking. It made it easier to read Blaine's own, they really had learned so much about each other over their time together. Kurt doesn't say anything of it, this wasn't an easy task to face for either one of them. Not when what used to be was posted all around them, taunting them. ]
No he did not. [Kurt groans, eyes bright and colored with shock. He follows up with a slight shake of his head and a roll of his eyes.] I'm surprised he did to.
[There is another moment or two of silence, Kurt has caught another glance at bold letters flashing something about forever and always. He's finally able to glance away, giving a soft clear of his throat. ]
You know if you ever need my dad or Carole for something they will be there for you, right? I would never ask them to take that away from you.
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[It's a big undertaking, but at least they're making progress. Whatever comes after this will be even harder, whether that's pushing it out of their brains and moving on or actually looking to take action, but they can figure that out in the coming days. Right now, it's just a mess of memories to tear down and burn.]
O-oh. [That offer is entirely unexpected. And it shows on Blaine's face, the way his bushy brows shoot up, in the way his words momentarily fail him.] That's, um, that's really sweet of you to say, Kurt, but you don't - I mean, that's too awkward right now, don't you think? That feels unfair to you. I wouldn't want to step over any lines, you know?
[Being in town means that of course he sees Carole and Burt around town, but a careful conversation here and there isn't the same thing as the relationship they'd been built over the last few years. They'd been so close to being his in-laws, exactly the type of parental figures he'd always wanted to have. It's sweet of Kurt to say so, but it just doesn't feel right. Not in the wake of their broken engagement. The ties are just too close to Kurt and that's exactly who Blaine's been trying to distance himself from.]
Thanks though. I have my mom and Cooper - [Always accompanied with a roll of his eyes.] And Sam and the Warblers. [and maybe it takes him too long to quickly add on,] And Dave, of course. This isn't exactly where I planned on being, but I'm trying to make it work.
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Thanks.
[They are making progress aren't they? It took them a little bit to get to the starting point but they were gradually having a normal conversation that didn't involve shouting and tears. Funny how you can take a few steps forward and in a matter of seconds you stumble back even more. That's exactly what's about to happen when Blaine becomes uncomfortable. Maybe that had been a little too forward for Kurt to suggest but in the moment he didn't want Blaine to feel as though he had to distance himself from either his dad or Carole.
The dismissal or awkwardness isn't what causes Kurt to flinch, its the mention of his name that leaves his stomach in knots. He stands locked in place, his body to paralyzed to make any sudden movements as eyes stare back at Blaine with not only the bits of hurt but betrayal. This all still feels like he's taken crazy pills and this is some twisted, cruel dream.
Only it isn't. ]
Right, Forget I said anything. [Remember falling back in progress, Blaine? Well here you are once again and Kurt is back on the move. Only this round he heads towards the overflowing trash bags.]
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It feels at least a little okay, better than it's been in months for the two of them, but just like that, Kurt shoots his ex one of those Infamous Kurt Hummel glares and the brief peace between them is immediately shattered.
For a second, Blaine looks paralyzed on the spot, taken back by what he believes is a completely unwarranted reaction, how Kurt glares and stamps around like he's been so terribly wronged. The younger boy can't possibly understand the reason why, though even with that knowledge he'd be put off by that cold shoulder.
It takes him a few seconds to find his tongue again, to push down the swell of hurt around his heart, to keep his voice level and firm, without any of the shakiness he currently feels.]
What's your problem, Kurt? [Considering the circumstances of their break up, Blaine feels like he's been overly kind to Kurt, certainly none of the viciousness they'd seen whenever their other friends have broken up with each other. But here Kurt is, acting like Blaine's presence is such a total bother to him, like he can't stand being in the same room with him.
Does he want Blaine back or doesn't he? It feels like every few minutes he's changing his mind.]
I'm just trying to help and you're - Look, I didn't want to leave this all on you to take care of, because none of this - [His hand gestures around to the choir room's messy walls] -is your fault, but if you want me to leave, just say it.
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Does Kurt really have to explain himself, has it not been clearly odvious as to why he's been so upset? Yes it was he who broke off their engagement, it was he who placed both of them in a long run of pain and he'll gladly admit that he ruined everything between them. Blaine had the right to date again, he could date anyone he wished because he wasn't Kurt's anymore but to date David? DAVID! That's basically the equivalent of him dating Sebastian or even better, Elliott.
Blaine would been feeling the exact same way if not worse. He can't deny that and Kurt would call him out if he even tried.
Then again Kurt deserves all of this, right? He was the one who placed himself in this situation after all. He just needs to accept the fact that Blaine has odviously moved on and he can't keep holding onto something that was no longer there.
This was such a mistake. Dropping everything back in New York so that he could come running right back to Lima, Ohio. He was insane, this was all insane and absurd. And for what ? So that he can go back to New York miserable while Blaine pretends he's actually happy with David?
Alright.
And Blaine wants to know what his problem is? Shots. Fired. Blaine. Anderson. ]
And I'm what? [That tone in Blaine's voice and the way he pushes past the word has Kurt spinning around on his heels. Are they seriously going to fall right back into all the bickering and tearing at each other? Is this what the two have become towards each other?]
And I'm what? [He repeats the question carefully but doesn't coat the tightness.]
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And to be honest, Sebastian had been the line for Blaine. He wouldn't date the other Warbler, even if they've been able to reconcile their friendship since senior year. He felt that had been too close to hurting his ex. Maybe someone completely unrelated to either of them would be better, but sadly, it's still Lima, Ohio. There are very few out gay men around here as it is, even fewer his own age. And David and Kurt certainly have their history, but they'd resolved their issues. Maybe not come out as friends, but they'd certainly closed the chapter together and moved on from the horror of high school.
Or so Blaine thought. Maybe they weren't as okay as it had seemed, even if David only ever has the nicest things to say about Kurt. It's a messy situation, sure, but it's fair to say that Blaine hadn't exactly been thinking about Kurt's approval when he's been drowning in Scandal's the night he and David reconnected.
Maybe Kurt's right. Everything's just one big mistake.
In any other situation, Kurt may be relieved to see how Blaine doesn't crumble or cry in response. Therapy these last few months has done him well, helped him to better navigate some of his own emotional responses and how poorly his self-worth had fallen. He's still recovering, medicated and learning more about himself, but the fact he can face Kurt like this and not resort to immediate tears and pleading feels like a small victory.
Kurt's tone goes tight and Blaine knows they've fallen back a hundred steps from five minutes ago.]
You're acting like me being here is a problem. I just don't know what you want, Kurt.
[The walls are forgotten, Blaine turning to the other man, voice firm, but not unkind, though there's a certain level of frustration building there. There are moments it feels like Kurt wants to rekindle their friendship and go on from there, but then there are moments like this, where it feels like his ex is just as furious and defensive as he was back in New York. Blaine doesn't know where he stands with him.]
I'm not trying to hurt you or make things weirder than they already are for us. I was just trying to help. But if you want me out of your life, you can just tell me. I don't want to make things worse, but I'm - God, I'm feeling really lost on what to do.
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David got lucky.
And now he had Blaine. Someone who could bathe him in support and affection, accept him for who he was. Kurt had tried to tell himself that it was something David needed to make the ache ease a little less. He and Blaine could heal each other, gross.
Kurt's own therapist had informed him that there wasn't anything wrong with him and that high school relationships are typically doomed once both step into the real world. Kurt had always been well aware of that fact but he had truly thought he was different. He was strong on his own, he always had been but the absence of Blaine felt like a missing part of himself. Even the medication couldn't numb that feeling.
His therapist had given him a few excersise to help cope with all his built up stress. It was mostly to help with the small bursts of anger or overpowering anxiety that had settled in during his time in New York. Very much like the younger boy, Kurt isn't allowing himself to shatter so easily either. Instead his face is near expressionless at the sound of Blaine's voice, that was something he was still trying to work on during his therapy sessions.
Blaine isn't falling apart and Kurt isn't becoming unhindged. This is good right? Still to early to tell.
Maybe they can't repair their broken relationship? It's becoming pretty apparent that they aren't going to be able to remain friends either. Has the finale chapter finally closed between them now? Might need to be a conversation to discuss and move forward. Blaine's comment has left Kurt stiff and for a moment he's a bit lost himself. ]
Do you ever wonder what in the hell made us like this? [The question comes tumbling out of Kurt's mouth before he can stop himself. If you're this far in already, Kurt you might as well continue forward.] Why we suddenly couldn't go a day without screaming at each other? [The genuine curiosity can't go unnoticed wrapped soft within his voice.]
I've had this conversation with myself over a million times. I've asked my dad, my therapist and even Elliott, I still can't find the right answer. [He gives another small shrug of his shoulders, arms moving to wrap tightly around himself. ] It would keep my up at night, haunt me during my classes and at one point it drove me so crazy I actually stopped singing.
[He's getting a little too deep, isn't he?]
I really believed we could fix it.
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Maybe it's a little aggressive and honest in the face of the awkward politeness they've been dancing around, but seeing this from Kurt helps so much more than the static, safe replies they've been wrapped up in. This is real, full of pain so big it's practically tangible between the two of them, but it's real and it isn't pushing Blaine away and that makes all of the difference.]
Do you really think I wouldn't? You were my whole world, Kurt. Of course I agonized over all of that nastiness between us, before and after we broke up. I couldn't understand it then, and then afterwords I just stopped existing. I was so furious with you, so betrayed you wouldn't keep trying for us, that I wasn't worth fighting for...
[Of course Kurt knows some of it. Blaine drowning in undiagnosed depression, losing his fiancé, his home, getting cut from NYADA, shamefully returning to Ohio - it had taken months to finally get to the point where he could tread water again. Without even music for an outlet, he'd just barely been living, holed up in his childhood home alone all over again, struggling to breathe. But then there was therapy and medication and reconnecting with old friends and finding a new drive at Dalton.
Blaine doesn't blame his ex for any of it. Kurt broke their engagement, sure, but Blaine's the only one to blame for how far he fell after.]
- But I understand more of it now than I did. I knew I was struggling, but I didn't realize how badly until after. I was terrified of losing you, of you getting tired of how needy I was. I know I was frustrating you all of the time, but I couldn't fix the way I felt, I couldn't make myself unbroken. Somedays it felt like us fighting was the only connection we had left.
[For how big their blows up could be, it really boiled down quite simply, didn't it?]
Rachel had gone incognito and I never felt like I was anything but another guest in the loft. And there was school and your work at the diner and everyone else moved away and the wedding - I guess it was just the perfect storm of things. It was just hard to see when we were inside of it.
[Blaine ends up leaning against one of the walls while he speaks, just enough of a distance between them for him to focus on his breathing, arms crossing over his middle.
Kurt's last sentence doesn't make sense to Blaine, but he presses his mouth together tight and holds back some of the emotion starting to tighten in his throat. He's made it this far without crying, but therapy or not, Blaine's always been an overly sensitive boy.]
I thought we could too. I really did.
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For months the anger between the two just kept escalating and finally it had been Kurt who snapped first. They can't keep dancing around each other like this, faking that they agony between them both has healed and that they can at least build a friendship bond with each other. It wasn't that simple, not when they both still had so much they needed to say and resolve. The finale break-up had happened so unexpectedly, Kurt hadn't actually planned for it but it unfolded regardless. The end had been building up for awhile, it was just a matter of time. ]
And you had every right to be. [He takes in a deep breath, eyes closing while he tries to find the best way to place what he needs to say in words without becoming horribly emotional. All this self-control and he still can't hold back the light waver within his voice.] You were always worth fighting for. [A truth he would never lie or deny.] But one of us had to let go before we totally destroyed each other. I know you didn't want to feel it, I didn't either but it was only a matter of time. I would have never forgiven myself if I did that to you of all people. I didn't want to start hating you and I didn't want you to start hating me.
[Of course Kurt knew, he spent months blaming himself for the unfortant events that piled up on Blaine rapidly. His ex being cut from NYADA and forced back home was what Kurt struggled with the most. Not only had he shattered the younger boy's heart but he helped crush Blaine's dreams. His ex might not fault him but Kurt still clings to that guilt like a broken life line, that one was going to take a good amount of time to come at peace with.
But Blaine had gotten back on his feet. Kurt could find some much needed comfort in that. ]
Me too. And you weren't frustrating me all the time. I was just becoming so overwhelmed with everything I lost my balance. There was so much fighting, not just with us but with literally everyone. It got to the point where I just couldn't breathe.
Kurt does the opposite, deciding to slowly slide down the wall and pull his knees to his chest. Why had their dreams seemed so much happier in high school and where did they take a wrong turn that led them to breaking up not once but now twice? Maybe this whole "soulmate" thing was a huge hoax and both boys had been fooling themselves.]
I'm sorry. [It's such a faint, broken whisper. One that leaves his voice sounding like heartache. He's apologized before but Kurt genually feels he can't say it enough.]
This is better for us. [The words sound so foreign to his ears and a wave of nausea settles within the pit of his stomach as he comes to terms with the ending of their story.]
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[If their relationship was worth fighting for, then it should have always been worth fighting for. And breaking their engagement had been one thing, but the way it had been broken just - it just made this mess between them a hundred times worse.]
I see it more clearly now. Some of our fights were just the two of us lashing out at the only person available. We didn't know how to deal with the changes going on in our lives, didn't have proper outlets or other people to talk to. We were stressed and scared and struggling, and that just made it all ten times worse. And I know I pushed about the wedding. Over and over. I saw you weren't ready for it and I just kept pushing, because I was terrified of you leaving and I kept pushing until you did just that. I know that now.
[If only he'd been able to rein it in then.
Blaine tips his head back until it hits the wall, a long sigh pushing from his lungs. He's quiet for a moment, thoughtful and considerate, purposely being careful with his words.]
I forgive you. I know what I said back then, but it wasn't true. Even after everything, I couldn't hold onto that feeling forever. I just needed you to know.
[If this ends up being their last conversation, Kurt deserves to hear it.]
Is that really how you feel?
[Did Kurt already change his mind? Is Blaine only worth fighting for if the younger boy goes with him immediately after? Back after their first break up, Blaine spent nearly the whole school year patiently waiting for Kurt, trusting they'd come back together when Kurt was ready, watching the other boy date around and live his life while Blaine just held his breath and dove head first into being his friend instead of his boyfriend.
Is Kurt really so defeated already? That doesn't feel like him at all.]
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[Kurt would agree that he went about breaking off their engagement in the worst possible way, he had been so annoyed and bothered by their months of arguing, everything came spewing out. He really had thought he done the mature thing by walking away. That had also been a huge mistake but it seemed like the responsible form of action at the time.]
I wasn't ready. [He agrees without regret. There was no reason to lie about it or try to deny his concerns, marriage was a huge responsibility. So many couples failed to understand just how big and within a year they were headed towards a nasty divorce.] I was afraid. Marriage is a huge step to take within any relationship and after months of us doing nothing but arguing, I feared that was what we were always going to do. [Of course that was something they could still struggle to mend.] All I was doing was hurting you, I didn't want to continue that either.
[He lets his own head rest back against the wall, several thoughts swirled within his mind while he kept his own words in check. Odviously they were having a bit of difficulty with communication. ]
I would understand if you didn't. [Forgiveness took a great deal of bravery, so many people preferred to cling to the lasting pain and anger. It was unfortant how common it was between exs. ]
No, I'm just still trying to convience myself that I do. [Blaine was always going to be worth fighting for but eventually Kurt knew that there would come a point not to. If Blaine had truly found happiness with someone else, rather it be with David or someone else, Kurt wasn't going to ruin that. Blaine deserved to have a healthy, blooming relationship.
After a moment he slowly pushes himself back to his feet, tired eyes taking in another glance of the decorated room. ]
You can go. I think I can handle the rest of this mess from here.
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- Though the idea of never speaking to Kurt again leaves Blaine breathless with heartache. He hits him hard how much he doesn't want that.]
I know you weren't ready. And I'm sorry for pushing it like I did. I'm sorry for everything that happened, you deserved better from me.
[Blaine falls into a soft, tense silence at that admission. He's still having difficulty parsing Kurt's intention, when he really wants out of their reunion, out of him coming back to Ohio. It's strange coming from Blaine, the boy who has always believed the best in everyone around him, who even trusted that Sebastian's intentions were good until proven otherwise, but he needs the time to rebuild some of the broken trust between them. It's easy enough for Kurt to say he wants to get back together, but it's so much more for him to show Blaine with his actions.
That they've grown individually from their break up, that they can actually make it work this time instead of watching their relationship burst into flames for a third time.]
But I do. I forgive you. I hope you believe me when I say that.
[It doesn't matter how badly they hurt each other, Blaine will always forgive Kurt with time.]
Is that what you want? Do you want me to go, Kurt?
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He doesn't want the two of them stop stop speaking either, during their first breakup the silence Kurt had placed between them was unbearable, just like these past months. It ached Kurt to his very core and left a huge hole within his heart. ]
And you me.
[Kurt isn't going to push or demand, it's Blaine's choice to make, not his. It's not his place to question Blaine's happiness or who he chooses to be in a relationship with, that is not only unfair but selfish. They both have a lot of mending to do between each other, trust needs to be gradually rebuilt just as much as patience. They both have to be willing to give and take equally, they can't keep rushing back into each other's arms if all they were going to do was pull each other down in misery.
They aren't weak people, they have both proven that a damn good number of times. They can also be independent and thrive without the other. As much as it felt like he were dying, Kurt knew how to live without Blaine by his side.]
Of course I do. [Blaine wouldn't lie about something so serious and personal. ]
No.[ His answer comes with pure honesty.] But I don't want you to feel like you need too.
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[Okay, so maybe it is on brand for Blaine to do things just to be nice or to not cause a confrontation, but every single moment with Kurt has never once fallen under that line. When it comes to Kurt Hummel, Blaine's always felt everything between them with the full of his being, every ounce of love and devotion and hurt and pure bliss. His feelings for Kurt have never once been faked or forced politeness.
Blaine doesn't feel quite like they're at the place where they can touch without it feeling like it's an overstep after this long apart, but he does push off of the wall and cross the room, coming to sit next to the other boy, knees maybe brush just barely as he settles there on the floor.]
I want to be here. I want to help you. I don't just feel obligated like it's my job. I don't want us to be like this, this awkward and stilted and wrong. I never wanted this for us. We've never been like this, not since the day we met. Does it feel like I'm being fake with you about this?
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Kurt can feel the sudden tightness grow within his chest as Blaine makes a bold move to come just a little closer, the sudden tension begins to build within his lean body but as Blaine settles gently beside him, Kurt goes breathless. That has never changed, not even now. His eyes go soft with sympathy and it takes every bit of him not to reach out to lace their fingers. It was a habit Kurt had devolved during their relationship when he wanted to offer Blaine some comfort, it always seemed to calm them both. ]
Of course not. [He promises calmly, fingers inching to grasp Blaine's hand to seal his answer.] I just didn't want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable. I wasn't going to be angry with you if you felt it best you needed too. You know that, right? I know this isn't particularly easy for either of us.
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Blaine's hands clasp in his lap, like he's afraid of what they'll do on his own if he just leaves them be, but his body language is otherwise open, turned to face Kurt without any of the walls they've built up between each other. It's nothing like how they used to be, but it's miles ahead of where they were just an hour earlier.]
Thank you. I think I knew that, but I appreciate you saying it too. I appreciate you saying a lot, Kurt. Being able to talk openly is more than I ever hoped for.
[a beat, careful and unsure. Blaine can't help the way his voice lowers, soft, maybe just a touch scared.]
I don't know what to do.
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Their hands had always fit so perfectly together, like two pieces of a puzzle.
Still this is progress, small steps forward. ]
I think us actually talking to each other has been well past over do.
[But where do they actually go from here? Do they make the heart breaking choice to walk away from each other for good or do they try to still maintain a friendship? ]
I don't either. [Kurt's own response slips out in a quiet whisper.He wish he could give a proper answer for the sake of them both.]
But we're both going to be ok.
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We are?
[Blaine's expression is all soft and pleading, eyes wet and big and begging. Even if Kurt can't give him a real guidance on what to do next in his life, at this point, Blaine will take anything the other man has to give, even if it's just careful, kind reassurances. Honestly, after the last few weeks, he'll take anything.]
How can you be so sure? How can you know that it's not going to just break apart all over again?
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Within seconds Kurt gives into the need to touch, provide Blaine the comfort and reassurance they both so desperately need. A trembling hand tentatively reaches out for Blaine's own, his own eyes pleading as they begin to mist with hot tears.]
I-I don't. [It isn't the answer he wants to give but it's an honest one.] But I do know we always seem to come back to each other in the end. We're kind of like magnets. It's weird.
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But Blaine sees that offered hand and ignores it. Instead, he scoots close enough to drop his head into Kurt's shoulder, closing the distance between them completely.]
I dunno if that's right.
[His voice comes out small there pressed into Kurt's shoulder, but being so close, there's no fear of the other boy missing a single word.]
The first time we broke up, I - I worked really hard for us, Kurt. I mean, we both did - of course we did - but we had to work to get through the hurt and become us again. And we did. I don't think being magnets is enough. We have to put in the effort too. We get to choose to be a part of each other's lives - and that's what we did and that's what made us so special. It maybe would have been easier for us to move on back then, for you to focus on New York and for me to focus on just graduating, b-but we decided what we had was worth it and we made it work.
[Maybe he isn't making enough sense, not really conveying what he means, but Blaine once believed so fiercely in them it's impossible to think he's left all of that behind.]
Maybe we are magnets too, but we can't just rely on fate to keep bringing us together again and again. We have to try too.
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And Blaine Anderson would never be forgotten in Kurt's heart, never once had he ever been.
Oh.
Kurt had sucked in a small breath at the dismissal of his extended hand, the sting of yet another rejection burned through his body but his ex pulls himself closer, curls his head along Kurt's broad shoulder. There is no denying the way his heart skips a few beats and his own body submits to the contact, melting gently against Blaine. ]
I didn't say it was.
[It's natural instinct to nuzzle his head against Blaine's own but Kurt holds back from doing so, he doesn't want to come off more forward than he has been previously. ]
I wouldn't say it's always been fate that pulled us back together, we've chosen to come back to each other, Blaine. I was pretty excited to come see Glee club's Grease, I wouldn't allow myself to admit it but I knew the only reason I wanted to go was because of you despite how I kept telling myself I didn't want to see you. I just wanted a glimpse of your face no matter how deeply it hurt. You came with dad to New York so that we could sing our Christmas duet and then there was Mr. Schue's wedding. [He doesn't mention the heated make-out they shared in the back of the car, how they both so willingly fell into bed together that night. If Kurt had not felt comfortable, hadn't wanted it then it would not have happened.]
And I'm here now.
[They really had been through so much together, both good and bad. It was painful to just toss so much history away as if none of it mattered at all. ]
I can't predict what's going to happen to us but whatever does I want you to know that I am never going to forget you, Blaine. You are my very first love and that is never going to change.
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i cant believe this is like 60 comments long HHAHAH
They have a lot of shite they need to say
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typos that end my life ohmygod
D: 💔